Archive for December, 2010

It’s almost over…

This year has been both amazing and terrible but I will be happy when it’s finally done and over with, even though nothing will have changed. It
started out with Jeff and I getting married in January. Then we left Florida in April to spend some time in Vegas before he had to go to training. We were apart for a little over a month then moved to California in June where we have a great house that we have definitely made our own. We both turned 21 this year, too. Then, in August, it happened. The worst day of either of our lives thus far. It still seems like it was just yesterday…I can remember almost every detail and I just want to erase it all and go back to the day before to save her. Needless to say, the holidays this year weren’t as enjoyable as they usually are. And this is just the first of many. Looking at my youngest sister it was almost like looking at her again. They are so much alike in appearance that it’s almost scary, but it’s also kind of nice. I’m hoping this gets easier for us but I know that it’s going to take a long time before that happens. I just hope that she is happy and at peace now. She was a self-proclaimed people pleaser and now it’s her turn to be happy, even if it means that we don’t get to have her here with us.

Sissy poo and whack-a-do

I am so tired of all the crazy BS that a certain someone is spewing and those who are letting her do it. I have literally done nothing to them. I don’t say that casually like “oh yeah, I didn’t do anything”…I have honestly and sincerely not done one single thing to anyone yet I’m being shunned and called names. I just don’t understand. Things were finally starting to get to be okay. I was almost to the point of being kind of all right and then this new site springs up. I just want to be left out of it. I just want to grieve my sister and live in her memory, which apparently very few others are doing.

Sissy, your true friends know what our relationship was like and the ones who are saying otherwise never saw us together or knew how close we were. You, along with Sheridan and Tristann, have and will always mean the world to me, no matter what some jealous, guilt ridden, insignificant person has to say about it. You are seeing everything unfold and now everyone’s true colors and ugly lies are coming out into the open. I wish you hadn’t done this, for many reasons. At the same time, I know that you felt it was your only way out. I hate that you felt that way but I can almost see how you could, living the way you were. I wish you would have told me the last time we talked. I would have had you come out and lived with us for a little while and you know mom and grandma would take you in, too.

I miss you so much. I broke down the other day, for the first time in a long time, but I needed it. I think that’s what made me feel like things were getting slightly better. Then today. That stupid website and all of the false information on it got me all worked up. I already think about you a million times a day but to have the added pain of being called such horrible names and the presence of hurtful statements that I can’t believe are yours made me fall even deeper into darkness. I started bawling in the shower. Jeff came home and comforted me and sat with me. I don’t know what I would do without him. He misses you and thinks about you alot, too, but he has been incredibly strong for me.

I hope you know how much we love you. Always have, always will. I just ask that you make her stop or, at least, give us the strength to deal with all of the madness.